Saturday, July 9, 2011

Personal Hygiene

I don't know if I'm alone here, but, taking care of Zoey has made it incredibly hard to keep up with keeping myself clean.

I used to be, and still am, quite anal about cleanliness. However, now that I've been taking care of Zoey I find it next to impossible to keep it up.


My dogs have taken to waking me up at 5 AM ever since I've started taking care of Zoey. I don't know why.

Jealousy maybe, or maybe it's just some hope to get some Zoey free time.

So, with that said, I can either shower once they've been out and fed at around 5:30 AM. Of which I have probably gotten about 4-5 hours of sleep due to Zoey coming to our bed at around midnight and proceeding to kick me in the face while sleeping or, if I'm lucky, just the occasional slap. Or I can go back to sleep and wait to be awoken by Zoey and casting aside my shower until my wife returns home and only after Zoey's had her bath... I play a good second fiddle.

Then, there is brushing my teeth.

I am a stickler for brushing my teeth. I really take pride in in my teeth. Teeth are the first thing I notice on a person.

When I meet someone for the first time, I won't recall half of what was talked about, but, I will be able to tell you all about their teeth.

I should've been a dentist.

Originally taking care of Zoey, I just could fit it in. I like to brush my teeth after I've eaten breakfast and had my coffee. By the time I've done that, my wife was gone to work and I was alone with the demon forcing me to fester in my own filth.

Now, I've kinda figured it out. ( I know, this guy can figure out how to play video games with a sleeping baby on him, but can't figure out how to brush his teeth.) Really, it just came down to the fact that I'm terrified to leave Zoey alone.

I imagine that I selfishly go upstairs to brush my teeth, only to hear a crash come from her cage. I rush down the stairs, toothbrush still in my hand and see my daughter impaled on her Ring Toss baby toy.


After a while of feeling disgusting, I knew I had to figure something out. So, I just brought upstairs, barricaded the stairs, barricaded her in her room with the use of a laundry hamper and her toy box and began brushing.

Now that she is more mobile, it only takes her about 20 seconds to break through this barricade and head straight for the washroom.

So, for the next 2-3 minutes, while brushing my teeth, I play goalie with her trying to crawl on to the bathroom floor. Zoey has a tendency to lick floors or at least put her mouth on them, so the thought of her doing that on the bathroom floor makes me want to vomit. So, I simply shuffle back and forth while brushing my teeth.

Thank god, I've figured this technique out. I think I would have gone mad had I not.

She pays the price though. She's the one who has to nap on her B.O. ridden father twice a day.

Has anyone else been hygiene depraved by their baby?

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