How Uncomfortable Can It Be To Be A Baby?

So, I wake up this morning at a quarter to six to take my dogs for a walk... my dogs are awesome and like to bark at me this early in the morning running the risk of waking up Zoey as well at this ungodly hour... quarter to six is actually decent for them, usually it's five. I stumble through suburbia still half a sleep walking with about one third of my vision cursing my dogs the whole time only to get back inside walk back upstairs to my bed to see Zoey sprawled across my side of the bed horizontally... Hence why I'm writing this blog at six in the morning.

So, I sit on the edge of the bed and ponder if I should just give in, not try to grab twenty minutes more of sleep and just get up when I realized that Zoey must be the worst sleeper ever.

I watched her twist and turn about twenty times while I sat on the edge of the bed for about a minute.

SORRY IF MY BED ISN'T A TEMPUR-PEDIC!

I watched her go from horizontally spread out in a star to vertical into a ball and it took her about a thousands moves to get there.

Who the hell sleeps like that? Did we all sleep like that as babies?

I'm sure as hell glad it stopped if we did. Could you imagine?

If my wife slept like that, I don't think Zoey would exist. It's stupid, how uncomfortable can a baby be? The strangest part is she is always moving up until she is banging her head on the head board and then she stops and gets comfy. REALLY? That's the point that you get comfortable after smashing your head in to wood?

Babies are weird or maybe it's just Zoey.

Just so you know Zoey, you don't have to sleep in my bed if it's so uncomfortable that you need twist and turn and kick and punch me through the night. You have a great baby sized crib that has a pretty great mattress, you should really give it a whirl, you might like it.

Updates from the World of Zo.

So, what has been happening...

The cage is no longer the safe haven it used to be. I remember putting her in side her lovely six sided oasis and making dinner, cleaning up the house or really just whatever needed to be done sans Zoey. Well, that is all in the past.

Zoey has decided that with just enough force and leverage, that her cage makes a perfect walking aid. So, now, I walk into the kitchen to pour myself a coffee and then turn around and Zoey is half was across the room pushing the entire cage. It's not like this is some small area either, this thing is probably about five feet by five feet being dragged across the hardwood. We originally sliced up some foam squares thinking it would create some friction preventing her from moving it... it doesn't.

I have resorted to eating my breakfast leaned up against the cage while watching SportsCentre.

In other news, I have been promoted in parent status. I have successfully put Zoey either to bed in her crib or put her back to sleep at night. Yes, at night, I still haven't managed to get her to sleep in her crib during the day. But, I was the last thing Zoey wanted to see once the night rolled around, however, now, I can put her down relatively quickly. This has inflated my fatherhood ego and I'm rather proud of myself.

There isn't too much else that's been happening except that Zoey is now starting to learn. I sat with her in her cage getting her to throw her balls from over the top of the cage at our dogs, because these are things I like to teach children.

Zoey would grab a ball and climb the wall of her cage and then I would hold her arm and fling it tossing the ball out of the cage. I did this with each ball she had for a total of three times.

Now for the cool part.

So, I get out of her cage and grab the balls and throw them back into the cage and then tell her to get the ball.

I watch the wheels turn in her head as I repeat myself about three of four times and then it happens. She crawls to the opposite side of her cage, gets the ball and climbs up the wall until she is standing.

I'm pretty excited at this point and I'm asking her to throw it over to me. She tries a few times, stretching up but then dropping the ball inside the cage. But, after a few attempts.. She does it. Throwing it towards me.

Now this is like man landing on the moon or anything, but, for me it was awesome to see her learn. To actually process what I was asking and then to do it.

Only three more weeks of this and my goal of having her walking seems like it may not happen. Guess we'll have to wait and see, but, I really don't want the caregiver to be the one to see her first steps.

Personal Hygiene

I don't know if I'm alone here, but, taking care of Zoey has made it incredibly hard to keep up with keeping myself clean.

I used to be, and still am, quite anal about cleanliness. However, now that I've been taking care of Zoey I find it next to impossible to keep it up.

EXAMPLE:

My dogs have taken to waking me up at 5 AM ever since I've started taking care of Zoey. I don't know why.

Jealousy maybe, or maybe it's just some hope to get some Zoey free time.

So, with that said, I can either shower once they've been out and fed at around 5:30 AM. Of which I have probably gotten about 4-5 hours of sleep due to Zoey coming to our bed at around midnight and proceeding to kick me in the face while sleeping or, if I'm lucky, just the occasional slap. Or I can go back to sleep and wait to be awoken by Zoey and casting aside my shower until my wife returns home and only after Zoey's had her bath... I play a good second fiddle.

Then, there is brushing my teeth.

I am a stickler for brushing my teeth. I really take pride in in my teeth. Teeth are the first thing I notice on a person.

When I meet someone for the first time, I won't recall half of what was talked about, but, I will be able to tell you all about their teeth.

I should've been a dentist.

Originally taking care of Zoey, I just could fit it in. I like to brush my teeth after I've eaten breakfast and had my coffee. By the time I've done that, my wife was gone to work and I was alone with the demon forcing me to fester in my own filth.

Now, I've kinda figured it out. ( I know, this guy can figure out how to play video games with a sleeping baby on him, but can't figure out how to brush his teeth.) Really, it just came down to the fact that I'm terrified to leave Zoey alone.

I imagine that I selfishly go upstairs to brush my teeth, only to hear a crash come from her cage. I rush down the stairs, toothbrush still in my hand and see my daughter impaled on her Ring Toss baby toy.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

After a while of feeling disgusting, I knew I had to figure something out. So, I just brought upstairs, barricaded the stairs, barricaded her in her room with the use of a laundry hamper and her toy box and began brushing.

Now that she is more mobile, it only takes her about 20 seconds to break through this barricade and head straight for the washroom.

So, for the next 2-3 minutes, while brushing my teeth, I play goalie with her trying to crawl on to the bathroom floor. Zoey has a tendency to lick floors or at least put her mouth on them, so the thought of her doing that on the bathroom floor makes me want to vomit. So, I simply shuffle back and forth while brushing my teeth.

Thank god, I've figured this technique out. I think I would have gone mad had I not.

She pays the price though. She's the one who has to nap on her B.O. ridden father twice a day.

Has anyone else been hygiene depraved by their baby?

I'm still here

For anyone following this, I'm sorry. I haven't posted because I don't feel there is much story to my life in the last 2 weeks.

Really, not much has happened. I have yet to put Zoey to sleep in her crib, I have however mastered playing my Playstation while she sleeps on me. Fathers, master this technique and staying at home with the baby is no longer that bad.

Since getting the baby cage, Zoey has really been a lot easier to take care of. She enjoys being in there and I enjoy putting her in there. It's not as bad as it sounds though, and more often then not, I cram myself in there with her and let her shove her toys in my mouth.

For some reason, Zoey has decided that I should eat all her toys. Whatever she picks up, she shoves in my mouth. I blame her giraffe toy that I previously mentioned. It was her first toy that she really played with and all it entailed was putting balls in the giraffe's mouth and music played... I think she is hoping I sing her a song once she jams her toy down my esophagus.

I've been at this stay at home dad thing for about a month and a half and I've finally found my groove, so, with the lack of drama, I've found it hard to blog and make it entertaining.

It's becoming very monotonous to tell you the truth.

Wake up at 5 am - take the dogs out. Get back in and try to go to sleep. If I'm lucky, Zoey has slept through the night, if not, when I come back, Zoey has stretched out across my side of the bed. In which case I lay down on about 5 inches of bed and try to sleep.

Then Zoey gets up around 6. We play... well, she plays while I try and watch Sports Centre from her cage or if she's up for it, from the couch.

8 o clock, I put her down for a nap. Which, yes, still consists of her using me as her mattress.

Around 10 she wakes up and I feed her, then we take the dogs out. Handling 2 pugs and a stroller isn't as bad as I would like it to be, if it was, it'd have already been an article all to itself.

Then we play some more.

Noon, she goes for a nap. This is usually where I get some play time for myself in. So glad I learnt how to play video games while she sleeps, now, if only I could learn to storyboard.

At around 2 she wakes up and eats.

Then we take the dogs out.

Around 3 ish, we play again. At this point in the day, my enthusiasm is a lot lower. I will sometimes just wheel her out in her high chair to our balcony and see if she's cool with it so I can actually just enjoy the weather.

Then I start to make supper once that is done. This is the hard part. Zoey usually fusses quite a bit around this time and makes it hard for me to make anything. As soon as I leave her cage, she starts to cry. I have resorted to prepping the meal while standing in her pen. Luckily it's close to the counter.

And that's about it.

If that was boring for you to read, imagine doing that every day. It takes it's toll. There are people out there that are probably reading that and thinking: I'd rather to that than work. Not me, I'd rather work. I can't stand not being productive. It is rewarding however when she learns something new.

Now, I know, they learn something new all the time, but, I want something tangible. I usually get rewarded about once a week.

As jaded as this may sound. It's not exactly horrible. It's more me. I work best with a routine and I read somewhere that babies are the same. So, that is why it's so rigid.

But, with this month and a half behind me. I really think that all fathers should do what I've done. It's made me not only closer with Zoey and her with me, but, it really shows you the other side.

It's been pretty great... boring, but, great.

It does make me wonder one thing though. Why do we do this? We spend the first few years slaving after our children, then they become teens and hate us. All I can hope for is that between like 3-10 is some kind of golden lining that I'm not aware of. Either that, or you try to guide them towards lucrative professions so that you can retire early and have them provide for you.

I don't know about you guys, but, I can't wait to be old enough for diapers....

PAY BACK TIME, ZOEY!